WARNING: Implied Slash - Don't read if you don't feel comfortable with it!
ĎWhere am I? Why am I lying on this grass?í
I wake up on a beautiful sunny day, in the middle of an area that is familiar to me.
Where do I know it from? I canít really care. Slowly I get up. I donít really want to because the grass is so nice and soft, and the sun is warm on my bare skin.
Still, I feel the need to get up. I actually feel tired and I canít remember how I got here. But somehow I feel that is less important. There is something else going on Iím not yet aware off.
I start walking around and soon I know where I am: a cemetery. And I know this place:
this is the cemetery where most of my family is put to rest. Why am I here?
I am unexplainably pulled to a group of people standing around. I should know them. I know Iíve seen them with their cameras around their necks, yet I canít put my finger on it.
A hearse is slowly entering the cemetery. I should leave these people to their morning.
Iím not even dressed to attend a funeral. But I donít turn away.
The cars stop and I see familiar faces getting out.
I am transfixed on the hearse. My eyes have fallen on the 5 letter word made of the most beautiful flowers: H O W I E. Wait, . . . thatís me! No, no this canít be.
ĎHowie, dear.í A voice behind me calls out.
ĎSis?í I turn to look straight into the eyes of my beloved sister.
ĎCaroline, whatís going on?í I ask bewildered.
ĎSweet D, you had a terrible car crash and died.í
The words hit me like bricks.
ĎNo, that canít be.í
I turn away from her, not wanting to believe what I know to be true.
ĎIíve come to help you cross over.í Her soft voice whispers.
ĎBut I canítí
Iím near to tears. I look at the coffin, now ready to be lowered into the ground.
ĎI havenít said good-bye yetí I softly say while looking at the 4 men standing there.
ĎGo to them, SweetD, touch them one by one and they will feel you and be at peace.í
I look at my sister, not really believing the words she is saying.
But when I turn again Iím standing next to Brian. Carefully I place my hand on his.
And I realize he doesnít really feel me. And at the same time I know he does as tears
run down his face while he looks at his hands.
I turn to AJ. Heís a mess I can see. Not afraid to show his pain and sadness, letting tears run down his face, unnoticed. I hug him, hoping it will make him feel better. But I know it canít.
Kevin, my Kevin. I turn to face that wonderful man. And Iím shocked. Kevin, normally so strong has to be held up by Nick. I look at his face . . . . pale . . . . tearstricken . . . . lost . . . . alone.
ĎCaro, I canít do this. I canít say good-bye to my one love!í
I know Iím raising my voice to her but I canít help it.
Gently I caress his saddened features. His face shoots up. Did he feel me? I touch him again.
ĎHowie . . ?í a broken voice whispers my name.
ĎKev . . .í
Can he hear me?
ĎHowie . . heís here . . . I can feel him. . . .í
Kevin looks up at Nick. Nick is crying to hard, trying to hold on to his older friend as he is afraid Kevin will break down completely.
ĎHeís gone, Kev.í Nick sobs.
NO, no Iím not gone. Iím here, right next to you. I try to shout but no sound is coming out of my mouth.
NO, I wonít die! I hear myself screaming in my head. I ball my fists and start hitting the air around me.
I wonít die . . . . . I wonít die . . . . . I wonít die . . . . I scream it louder every time.
I turn to look at Caroline. She is disappearing in the distance. Iím drawn to her but then I see Kevin going through his knees, unable to stand up any more.
And I scream: I wonít die . . . .hitting the air around me with my fists. I close my eyes,
unable to bear the pain I see on Kevinís face and I keep shouting in my head and hitting the air
. . . .hitting it harder and harder . . . hitting . . . wait . . . hitting something . . . hitting something?
I stop but donít open by eyes. Gently I try again and . . . I hit something solid!
And then it hits me: the pain. All consuming pain running through every part of my body. Breathing, I need to breath but I canít get any air.
So I start hitting whatever it is Iím hitting. . . harder . . . . faster.
Oh and the pain . . . I feel the pain and welcome it.
And then, a breath of air reaches my lunges. Yes, Iím breathing. And all I can think of is shouting one word
My fists . . . . the solid . . . .itís gone! No, no . . . . it screams in my head.
I dare not open my eyes. I stop hitting the nothingness and slowly reach up.
My hand is held by another. I can stop shouting. Iím save, save in the hands of my love.
Carefully I open my eyes and look around me. Iím in a coffin but the lid has been taken of. I canít really move as everything hurts so much.
And then I see his face and all I can do is smile. Iím save!